Monday, 29 December 2008

another winter haiku

Grit lorry, spreads load.
Skipping like marbles down road,
scratching all the cars.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

wire animals i made, while bored watching the football




fire alarm haiku

Fire alarm tempts,
red button winking at me,
begging to be pressed.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

some more haikus

Man in skinny jeans,
studded belt, large check print shirt.
Loath you, Bohemo.

Sticks crack like thunder.
Ice cut up, like torn paper,
puck slapped into net.

Damn you clean bedsheets,
cant smell my fart. All I get
is your citrus fresh.

home made hair cut

Saturday, 20 December 2008


now is snooker a racist game?

the way I see it is this, you're the white ball and your aim is always to try to put the colours down and you save the black to last, so its just the white left on the table. You score more for potting the black, so you always try to pick on the black, working your way around the table, picking off the reds, yellow and brown. Continuing to knock down the black, for a higher score, no wonder some still have a chip on their shoulders. The white ball knocks about the table and comes to a halt and knocks all those colours out of the way like the start of the expanision of the Empire, going about and bulleying the non whites of the table.

my journey home

The shadows move like oars
peddeling against the flow of this bus
closer to this final destination,
the more frantic the oars pace.
On this journey home.

Heaters blare out whitenoise
tying a dirty sticky burning knot inside
outside the rain beats down cold,
head cools against the window.
On this journey home.

The opposite flow headlights
shoot pastlike stars during warp speed
they disappear into the distance,
gone, like my hopes and dreams.
On this journey home.

Phones aggressively beeping
frustratingly, not alone in this coffin
caught coversations confuse me,
like those voices in my head.
On this journey home.

My mind can no longer wander
trapped like my body, stiff, creeks like
this lumpy seat I'm stuffed in
I'm almost regretably there.
On this journey home.

do they really?

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

xmas haiku

'Bah!' Modern day Scrooge.
'Get some Christmas spirit, try!'
'Double Eggnog please!'

what you are

Something about you fills me with intrigue,
Never tire of your looks, I will not fatigue.
Your skin seems smooth, soft to the touch,
something I want to do soon, very much
Your eyes tinted, colour of mint ice cream.
'I am stunningly pretty,' out they scream.
I will look down at my shoes all coy. Shy,
you're appealing like a cooling apple pie.

more haikus

My fairy sits proud,
pearching, top of christmas tree.
Above this bad crowd.

People wait for train.
Crowding together, a herd
of yearning sad cows.

Turn slowly, bed creaks.
Lift head from warm snug pillow,
a nice long lie in.

Snow, the purest thing.
Covers all, those deep dark sins,
in this modern world.

Purring, contented.
Lapping at the Jersey cream,
greed will make you fat.

Another damn poke.
Why, wont you leave me alone,
this blasted facebook.

Gah! Perfume adverts,
you never make any sense,
to describe your scents.

Dancefloor is empty.
Leaving me free, to freestyle.
Doing the robot.

Shock. Heart beats hard,
Attacker forced on me. No!
That damn bloody cat!

Monday, 15 December 2008

wise old man haiku

Wise old man once said.
'You cant make a cup of tea,
without a teabag.'

Sunday, 14 December 2008

tingley kisses

My childhood favorite sweet,
pocket money spent on you.
Precisely cover you, neat
in the sherbet, fizz on my tongue.
Simple pleasure when I was young,
one of the Dip Dab crew.

You might have to stand on tip toes,
to kiss me.
But I'm the one left light footed.
I want to see,
where this might go, but who knows
Like my own firework display,
continuing to sparkle,
each and every day.

Butterfly kiss, delicate wings,
like vintage Moet & Chandon.
Tingles, such joyous things
no Cava here, just pure high class.
Full bodied, mature with bags of sass,
open my eyes, your gone.

You might have to stand on tip toes,
to kiss me.
But I'm the one left light footed.
I want to see,
where this might go, but who knows
Like my own firework display,
continuing to sparkle,
each and every day.

Just chew them greedly down,
a empty handful of pick n' mix.
swallowed with a frown
penny sweets are a cheap low sin.
You, my giant sized sherbet fountain
with your alka selter licks.

some more haikus

Burst water main pipe.
Frozen, winding towards drain,
like a bobsleigh run.

Fog holds tightly close,
a frozen lingering cold.
Lost here in this place.

frosty winter morning

Saturday, 13 December 2008

rusting plough haiku

Season turns again.
Frost, creeps over rusting plough,
in corner of field.

train haiku

World calm, passes by.
Silent dark night is peaceful,
sleeper train rolls through.

Friday, 12 December 2008

favorite pants haiku

My favorite pants.
Offers my balls no support,
more holes than swiss cheese.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

frozen puddle haiku

Puddle, frozen hard.
Cracks sharply, testing thickness
with a poking stick.

dirty stop out

Again, you make this morning trek
nothing more than a hungover wreck.
Head down walking, your heels click
like the sheriff in some western flick.
Your dress doesnt offer any protection
against your shame. Like an auction,
you went home with the highest bidder
its just leaves you feeling much cheaper.
Shivering, alone, walking through town,
full of self loathing, waiting to be found.
They look at you and feel them shout,
the words burn deep, 'you dirty stop out'.
Wanting to be centre of their attention,
yet for him you just provided a functon.
Kick you out without offer of breakfast
doesnt care, he sleeps on, not fussed.
Not even helping you to find your jumper,
your head says, get out of there, scarper.
Eyes no longer sparkle are far long dead,
dark thoughts again creep into your head.
Deep inside you cry, cheap dirty whore,
as you walk back through your front door,
wipe that old, worn makeup off your face,
scrubbing yourself clean with some pace.
Looking at yourself in the mirror you see,
your disappointed self, wanting to flee

early morning haiku

Early morning yawn,
open curtains, neighbour screams.
Look down at my horn.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

streetlight haiku

Rain drops on window
twinkle soft, like fairy lights.
through the streetlight glow

some more haikus

Low hung winter sun.
Fire, food and shelter made,
tasks for today done.

Winters colour range,
tea brown to brittle yellow.
Bleached by the low sun.

santa pulled over by a police officer

'Please blow into this.'
'Sorry, its these shots of port,
they leave out for me.'

icy walk

Saturday, 6 December 2008

my homemade xmas tree

made from a curtain rail, masking tape, wire and fairy light

plus my feet

moon pig haiku

Oh Moon Pig dot com.
Why do you annoy me so?
With your TV ads.

squirrel haiku

Squirrel jumps through trees,
branches rattle like wind chimes,
searching for supper.

fox haiku

Fox hunts, follows prints.
Track leads him to a rabbit,
waiting with a gun

reason 87# on why i couldn't be a archaeologist

'Whats that?'
'Yeah that thing there, what are you doing?'
'Its a car pressure washer, this is taking too long to clean up this trench, so I'd thought if we use this we can clean everything up in 3 minutes and go down the pub, what do you say?
'Get out.'

Friday, 5 December 2008

red haired wonder girl

The crowd moves around you,
a goddess surrounded
by her minions.
moving in a slow motion grace,
I cut a path across to you.
Forever remembered in my head.
Through your friends I create a space,
who hiss thier worthless opinions.

Again, this club remains so bland,
something catches my eye.
I stop and stare,
at your firey red hair.
Please dont ever use hair dye
your stunning and so grand.

When we meet the flintstones,
lady wilma of bedrock
I'd be better
than fred could ever aim to be,
house from dinosaur bones.
Built for you, carved stone block.
Stood in your tight white dress for me,
you are a fashion trend setter.

Again, this club remains so bland,
something catches my eye.
I stop and stare,
at your firey red hair.
Please dont ever use hair dye
your stunning and so grand.

The sambucca wincing my face,
as slowly build up my
dutch courage
to make my final defining move,
your beauty I long to trace.
Now take a deep breath and sigh.
to show you how much that I approve,
not only of your heaving cleavage.

Thursday, 4 December 2008


lost then found

Awake in my room,
unable to move, because of all this pain.
Come, quench this rage pour down rain
until I'm nothing more.

Slumped on sidewalk,
struggling to see, destroyed by emotions.
Hurt me now, to cause further reactions
until I'm nothing more.

lying on a hospital bed,
unable to move because of the restraints.
Finally someone has heard my complaints,
now I'm home.

mince pie haiku

I love mince pies! I
eat hundreds! Except this one,
its full of pickle.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

red head haiku

Red Hair! What a fox!
She is stunning. I'd like to
stoke her firebox.

my morning routine

I sit down to my shreaded wheat
drenched in skimmed milk, ice cold.
Morning routine never misses a beat
newspaper turned neatly with a fold,
Smoothing down my 'crazy' work tie
to avoid falling lumps of cereal flakes.
I let out a long, 'so, this is my life' sigh,
on the radiator todays y-fronts bakes.
Hot tea, sloshed down by huge gulps,
mouthfuls of toast, drowning in butter.
Interupted by loud heartburn burps,
opening delivered bills with a mutter.

more haikus

Lowers gingerly
cupping my ball. A heat shield
against the hot bath.

'Oh Mr Spider,
what a uniquely spun web.'
'Shut up, I'm still drunk.'

I'm with you because,
what makes everyday worthwhile,
is your longing smile

poo haiku

That fart was sloppy,
feel a trickle to my shoe.
I fear, its some poo!

candle light haiku

Words on page strobe,
as I read by candle light,
orange flame flickers.


'So you’re a sculptor?'
'Yeah I sculpt in clay'
'So you’re a potter then?'
'Nooo, a sculptor.'
'But you use clay?'
'So you’re a potter then.'

carrier pigeon

I'm fed up of phone calls from banks and other services chasing you up about missing payments because your cheque has got lost, personally I think we should all go back to carrier pigeon, you know your bill comes through the door and its got a pigeon attached so you can just fill it out and send it back and it goes directly back no way of getting lost in the mail or anything.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

smoke rings

Three boys are talking about their dads smoking, the first boys says, "my dad is amazing he can blow smoke rings", the second boys says, "that’s nothing my dad can blow smoke out of his ears!", "that’s nothing", the third boy replies, "my dad can blow smoke out of his ass" "really" the other two boys reply, "have you seen him do it?" "no" replies the third, "but I have seen the tobacco stains in his pants!"

deperate eyes

Must remember, to make
A mental marker, of your position.
The way you look at me,
I know I'm in there,
Because of how you continue to stare.
I need a visual marker for recognition,
Just look for the girl
With the desperate eyes.
We watch you all grace the dancefloor
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend keith dutton

The things we do to try and score
To take home for some bam bam.
If im honest, to myself,
I can do better, no offence.
Return to the back-burner,
Hopeful number two,
I have got my reserve sticker on you.
Woman that will make my heart seize,
Who is a little better
Than what you have

We watch you all grace the dancefloor,
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend Keith Dutton.

The things we do to try and score,
To take home for some bam bam.
The sidelines, stand there
Lost, like a long forgotten substitute.
You get out there for your
Share of the attention.
Take a risk for some love retention,
This place full of ill gained disrepute
Here we look scanning,
Across the dance-floor

We watch you all grace the dance-floor
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend Keith Dutton
The things we do to try and score,
To take home for some bam bam.
I'm desperate, one final
Sweep to see if there are any takers,
Nothing interest in me,
I return your gone,
You were someone else's number one.
I'll take anything now, even those fakers
Alone, the lights flick on,
At the end of this final song.

my failure

Was invited, I should of been there,
your big day, you wanted to share
how do I respond to your generosity?
Being always to me a great big softee.
Those promises made, I never kept,
sat at home on your day and wept.
nothing I can do will ever repay
I have no excuses nothing I say,
can put me where I should of been
there for you friend, I could of seen
that big smile, as you start your life
as a lucky mans trouble and strife.

bogie haiku

Big stubborn bogie,
no matter how hard I try.
Will not flick away

Monday, 1 December 2008

another winter haiku

Icy cold morning.
Leg moves like windscreen wiper,
to re-heat the bed.

lazy cat

20 second scribble

pillow lover

There is a space and will always be,
a space for you in my arms
that only you can fill.
So I've bashed my pillow
into your shape.

Sunday, 30 November 2008

batman haiku

From behind this mask,
I rage at the world through pain,
for I am Bruce Wayne.

bus stop

Fed up of waiting.
Cold bus stop

Barfly Girl

My ears are struggling to hear
your thoughts from your lips,
those, that you believe so dear
this shoddy live band drowns
deafening your angelic sound.
All I can hear is your smile
eyebrows moves contortly
into relaxed frowns
and just nod contently.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I dont have a bebo or facebook
far too fiddely is all that,
I would just for another look.
Will put words I want to hear
into your perfect mouth
as this cover song ends,
I catch a word from you
the crowd cheer
no strong regional accent.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I hope for the right words
out of your delicate mouth
your smile framed by dimples
looking back your eyelids flutter,
twinkling, whites of youe eyes
doing that cute girl stance
and I'm glad you so cant
hear my stutter
through the bands noise.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

something geeky

I've been trying to work on something geeky and epic for ages and all I can come up with so far is this. -

I would be your Fry to your Leela.
Even get off the wwweb to meet her,
You're WonderWoman, Spiderman is me,
Just a perfect match of Marvel and DC.
I just want to say to your face....
Suck on my plus ten mace.

reason 153# on why i couldn't be a archaeologist

'Out of this trench we have just found the remains of bronze age slag'

'pfffffftttt, hahahahahaaha, ....slag'. Sniggers me in the background.

trip to the north pole

Friday, 28 November 2008

superman haiku

Female kyrptonite.
For you, I, Superman will
continue to fight.

chunky woman haiku

I am hypnotised,
by those thunderous big thighs.
My chunky lover.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

my fantasy women

Look down at those lips of yours
covered in my saliva.
Slobbery kisses, Strobe lighting.
Consequences of when we drink
three bottles for a fiver.

In my palm, a small emo girls,
gentle fingertip touch.
Your straight dyed black hair.
Those beautiful eyes framed in
thick eyeliner, used too much.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

Stumbled our way out of the exit
a bright nailedvarnished hand.
The fizzy street orange glow.
Leading back to yours for dirty sex,
I lied and said I was in a band.

You and friends youthful slang
I have no idea what it means.
Cant start a conversation so.
I laugh awkwardly in places
as we queue for chips and beans.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

toaster haiku

Toaster fails again,
pops up milky white. Should be
dark brown in colour.

posh fastfood

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

all I am to you

I am not what you want to see,
what you hope, believe in me to be.
All I am is my mothers misery.

I warned you to stay well back,
please dont come closer I'll attack.
All I am is my minds sad & black.

I am kept secure, safe in this cage,
where I can perform on my own stage.
All I am is my fathers deep rage.

I live in my self imposed isolation
dead inside, full of wanting frustration,
All I am is lonely oneman nation.

I punish myself for reasons forgotten,
the inside my core dank, completely rotten.
All I am is weak like delicate cotton.

I fall down into the dark musty floor,
hands bloodied from beating at the cell door.
All I am is a dying lions last roar.

I slump to the ground about to drown,
my face is scarred from my angry frown.
All I am to you is a unfunny clown.

I feel my life fading, final breath,
my long awaited friend arrives, thats death.
All I am to you is a pathetic mess.
(say mess with a lisp, otherwise it doesnt work)

another super quick drawing

its a bit old, a few months, I sniped him over the sofa while he was working

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

crying over spilt milk

Broken milk bottle,
sees the mess. Mother beats me.
Tears run down my face.

one min drawing of miss_strawberry

I recorded myself on my cameraphone to time myself, I dunno why I didnt just use my watch.
Plus a few seconds just to ink it in with a marker pen.


Feet now, toasty warm.
Slippers made from the remains
of Sooty and Sweep

Monday, 24 November 2008

kicking myself again

Still even now, running them through my head
all those simple moments when I could of said.
I still see that smile of yours in every woman
see, I was and probably still am its biggest fan
Slouched on the sofa, looking in my direction.
Said what I want to hear, waiting for a reaction,
your long legs, poking out the bottom of the bed
tall enough so there was not much tilt of my head
to look at you. Features so stunning and a delight,
I promised I would defend your honour in a fight.
An honest chap to those all around but not for me,
keeping myself blind, refusing, not wanting to see.
I miss your cooking my belly continues to mourn,
you were my morning chours each and every dawn.
Reach out my hand to touch you, pull it away again
like that old worn joke and run it through my mane.

That worn out joke, thats me.

30 second drawing of sianz

another winter haiku

Crunching under foot,
like a empty crisp packet.
Grass in morning frost

drunk in town again

As usual, I strike up the conversation with a woman: 'So what do you do then?'
'I'm a drama teacher.'
'Really', I reply, 'A failed actor then?'
Mind you she did go to the same uni as me.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Tranny Porn

This also is inspired like 'crusty sue' from a b3ta QOTW.

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

In front of me, female perfection on show,
as she grinds teasingly in hi-def slow-mo,
with her pouting those fully glossed lips,
wriggling senusally and shaking her hips.
The internet my vast porn wonderland,
Oh thank you, quick speed broadband!
Full of the filthiest video grot ever seen,
no longer will my mind be pure or clean.

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

Rub myself again harder, it wont be long,
a fantasy girl, such a slut and so strong.
Running her hands over her pert body,
Most (all) my ex's were pretty shoddy.
Smug with myself that I found this link
on the screen she gives a sly cheeky wink,
pulls down her underwear, over her bum,
I close my eyes and judder, I'm about to ......

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

Open my eyes, leg still twitching. In shock,
in front of me she has a great big cock!
Panties dangling, like a portrait off a nail.
Eww! Ladyboy, tranny, a lady shemale!
She tricked & cheated me! Rude and wrong.
A minute before she was a lady in a thong,
My mind confused, aroused? Dismay
What now? Does it mean I am gay?

I'm in my guilty, sweaty and disappointed phase,
deleting this porn, so I wont watch it for a few days.

Gerkin Haiku

Gerkin jar empty.
Belly full, for all to see,
loud smelly hiccups.

empty waiting room

Saturday, 22 November 2008

another winter haiku

Feet cold without you.
Nothing to rub them against
in this lonely bed.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Fat People

I've seen people sooooooo fat, that they have these fat massive chins, so to nod they have to tilt there head back rather than forward.


I hate the phrase babe, who ever calls their boyfriend or girlfriend babe, I hate you. Why you ask? I'll tell you why, everytime your out in town and someone says, ‘You here babe?’ Every single person looks around thinking its them being called. Its just like that standard text message sound, everybody used to check their phone.
Why Babe? You're just referring your partner like you’ve referred to every past partner you’ve ever had, this person should be special to you and yet you call them what? The same phrase that you used before with your last partner, now these two partners are totally different if not why are you with someone else? did they leave you as they got fed up of being called Babe?
Use something that means something, everyone one of my friends has a shit nickname, I mean really shit, its just something between us two, more personal and much better than wailing babe.


I got a book out from the library to help me with my hugging issues, it was called, "How to Hug." It turns out it was just volume seven of the encyclopaedias.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008


I wear contact lenses now but I used to wear glasses, the most annoying thing about glasses is when you can't find them, you walk around the house looking for them and your housemate says. ‘What are searching for?’
'My glasses', I reply.
‘You tried looking for them?’
Now how can I look for something when I’m blind, then they go on to say.
'What do they look like?'
'GLASSES for fucks sake!"

Posting a Letter

I had to post a letter the other day and I spent a good ten minutes licking this envelope to seal it, it cut my tongue up a treat just trying to get it to stick. It wouldn’t, driving me insane I threw the letter down and I look back down at the letter, it turns out it was one of those self sealing envelopes and I hadn’t seen the sticky strip to remove.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Scally Mother

'Wat uoo lookin' at bruvva?
Yeh, so wot I'm a teen muvva.
Check me out wiv all me bling'.
Fingers chock full of sovereign.
'Eee aint fat, he walks everywhere.'
Vodka piled high in his pushchair.
Grubby vest rides up over her tummy,
how many times has she been a mummy?
No hope, no future, start to sterilise,
curb this problem. It's always on the rise.

winter haiku

Rabbit running home.
Back down into its burrow
far too cold outside.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

The Captain

My friend, the captain of his ship
pround and mighty, not like this tip
the sails on his ship full of patience,
flags flying high on a ship of vigilance.
Sails into these storms, never hesistates
to stop me, drowning in my weak states.
He stands firm, solid, not queasy on deck,
ready to guide to calmer waters, this wreck.
Someone I want to be like, a respected captain
tall, imposing and fearless like a mountain.
Rather than this drunk surly, salty seadog,
still lost deep in the dark thick bitter fog.
By his side his faithful woman, his firstmate
she too patiencly keeps me shipshape.
Wont be long til I'm made to walk the plank,
into the sea deep, dark, damp, cold and dank.
At least they've given me time to learn to swim
even if my life. future is bleak and ever so dim.
there is ever only so much I can be reassured.
Scared, I feel as if I should jump over board.
To allow them to sail untroubled into the sunset
this man my friend, I'm honoured I've met.

Pool Playing Women

Why do women insist on playing pool, not snooker but pool? I dont play pool I cant play, so I always refuse to and go and ask behind the bar if they have any darts for the board, but I get nagged into playing by women. So I put my fifty pence down to play and not just for a sly peek down thier top as the cue up thier shot, but to shut them up and keep them happy. But as we've had a few drinks before we play and after telling the local guy who hangs around looking for someone to play against who states that it is, 'winner stays on,' to fuck off. The game starts and after about 5 minutes with no balls potted, for some reason every woman I've played pool with, starts to cheat and obviously right there infront of me, place the balls in the pocket and laugh as they do thinking its funny and ok to cheat and stand there with a huge grin on thier half drunk face. Damn them, maybe this is the real reason why I dont play pool.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Crusty Sue

You are always there my faithful,
the reason why I dont go out to pull.
You will never hurt or leave me
they dont understand, they dont see.
No matter where I go, you'll be by my side,
'it will never work,' they chorusly snide.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

Once again, I come home alone,
in my pants, I'm hard as a bone.
Then you appear my faithful friend,
we both know how this will soon end.
For those many, many who may mock,
shes more to me than just a wank sock.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

Laying next to you in my warm bed,
have you here, than a woman instead.
my head is spining, myself a tired mess,
waking up late, alarm blaring, time to dress.
Sock on my foot, uncrusts, becomes unstuck
yes, its the one full of my dry man muck.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

There was that one awkward moment,
she had my house keys, a way into mine.
My 'then' girlfriend, walked in on me,
passed out drunk, pants folded on my knee.
You were on there, doing your magical thing
creased, crumpled on my ding-a-ling.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

whats never said

I never told you, never said,
to hold you, like how you hold me.
Thats the way I want my life to be.
I just pushed you away instead.

That has been my biggest regret,
couldn't admit and let you see,
that you meant more to me
than my complete pokemon set.

I said it over again in my head
just wanting to hold you tight
I cant do it, with all my might.
you are that keeps me sane.

To me it is a very big event,
could have easily passed by
as a said whisper or sigh.
not create an awkward moment.

snuggle haiku

Me and you all snug,
warming me through like hot tea
steaming in a mug.

Monday, 10 November 2008

More Haikus

Biscuit falls in tea,
moment of bliss broken, spoilt.
Fish out dregs with spoon.

Cold draft snakes through house,
shiver rises through my toes,
Up to my red nose.

Angry Dog

Abandoned, cold and alone.
Sits afraid in the pound,
no love, hope and no home.
Barks and growls a loud din.
Making a rawful sound,
as people happily pass by him.
throat, blistered from wailing,
exhausted too tired to sleep.
Sulks at his constant failing.
Growling at those who come too close,
can do nothing but weep.
Biting those he cares for most.

Silly mutt, put him down.
Out of his misery.

cup of tea haiku

Cup of tea, too hot.
Leave it on side to cool down,
now its too cold, yuk!

Sunday, 9 November 2008

fringe haiku

Long hair, floppy fringe.
Getting in the ruddy way,
like an unkempt minge.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

A Poem About Wee

It varies does wee.

From your age, time of day, to what you drink
and what you eat, as some wee's make a stink.
You have those that sting like lemon juice,
flowing out like a freshly opened sluice;
To those the consistancy of golden syrup,
some even fizz, like alka seltzer stirred up.

Yep, weeing is great and fun for all.

Sometimes, off guard you might leek a drip or two,
As you frantically rush to the room with the loo.
Some people whistle starwars tunes as they go,
As they find that this helps maintain the flow.
Some wees start off small, nothign more than little,
So many men get the flow started with a little tickle.

Now dont get me wrong, I like a good pee.

Except those that wake you from dreams,
These bathroom visits take forever it seems,
Standing or, swaying side to side, shaking one leg,
Once you're done, giving a little shake to your peg.
Sometimes you focus and gain some composition.
Or even be lazy and sit in a ladies' positon.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

autumn haiku - again

Early morning mist.
World covered by this blanket.
Frosty autumn dawn.

roleplay gone wrong

Roleplay, should be fun.
Handcuffed to bed, she enters
smiling, with strap-on.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008


A lot of people cant make good cups of tea, Ive been told Im one of those many, but what annoys me is when people go, 'we need more milk, theres only enough for one more cup.'
I can promise you that if I go to the fridge, there is going to be more than enough milk for another 4 cups, you weak tea making piece of piss.

Monday, 3 November 2008


In Haarlem, I spent the evening drinking sweet tasting rose beer, drumming my fingers on the bartop as a dutch band play tightly in the corner. Looking at my watch I realise that it's getting late.
Not only am I in a town I dont know, but I'm in a country I've only just set foot in. It dawned on me I had better make an attempt to get to the Hostel. Staggering alone through the streets that I had only just been introduced to that morning, I make it to the bus stop and manage to get on the correct bus, as it slides effortlessly through the quiet, wide streets of Haarlem.
Out towards the outskirts of town is the Hostel, and I am still sloshing about on the bus seat from too much beer. I'm suprised with myself that I've made it this far without getting lost. I Slink into the hostel quietly, then into my room.
Everyone else is already asleep and in my experience, rather than make a mess all over the floor, I decide to get up onto my bunk before any attempt try to undress is made. The reason that I always have the top bunk is for this very reason; while attemptng to climb up the ladder to my bunk, my drunk leg swings into the bunk underneath and kicks the person below in the head. Realising what has just happened, I spring up into bed and feign a deep sleep in a desperate attempt to shift the finger of blame.
The morning blurs around, and the rest of the room begins to murmur. Poking my head out of the bunk to expect repercussions, I spot a girl in her underwear stretching off her slumber, she walks over and says something to the male on the bunk below.
Now i really feel sorry for him, I've kicked him in the head and just seen his girlfriend in her underwear.I fall back to sleep hazily drunk, awaking a little later when the room is empty. I sheepishly enter the breakfast room on my own, to feast on cold meats and cheese.


The lights from the industrial cranes of the harbour are silluetted through the dark, sitting like a charred Guy Fawkes through the fog and orange suburban lights, Harwick glows gently like burning embers from the bonfire.
The breeze cuts down from a Northenly direction with an intention to whip my hat off and make it scamper across the deck. I return inside to try and locate my room through this youth hostel designed maze.
Children scream and dart around the corridors, as teachers try to keep order, giving tired apologetic looks at everyone they pass. I trot down to the bar after giving up trying to find my room, and order a drink. A look of confusion passes over my own and the barman's face as I try to pay for a drink with both euros and pounds.
Sitting down at a table there is a mix of families, European truck drivers and travellers; all sitting together talking to one and another - where they are going and where there from, passing on tips and advice. It's a very social and friendly environment to be in.
After having a few more drinks with a German couple and a Norwegian backpacker, we look out into the pitch black darkness that this ferry hurtles through, its engines working hard agaisnt the current.
I return to my cabin, more wobbly as I'm slightly drunk. Entering my room, after wiggling my barcode keypass in the door, it suddenly reminds me off my time in student halls; drunk and trying to find my way back to my room which is very generic, versatile but comfortable. Lying on one of my two beds, I fiddle and adjust the mood lights, jumping down from the top bunk to use the bathroom, which is completely tiled so it makes not hitting the pan less of a priority. The ferry lurches slowly making it harder to pee than it is on a train, now I can see while they design bathrooms completely tiled.
Lying in bed, going to sleep, my body rocks drunkly one way as the boat rocks the other, both gently compensating each other so I sleep blissyfully.
In the morning, I am now clear headed. The intercom cackles and informs that we are arriving into Hoek van Holland. I get out on deck in the cutting fresh morning air, numbing my nose as I patiently watch the flat hollow country of Holland come into view.

Thanks to Prescott for the edit

central heating

Central heating clunks,
purring like a sleeping cat.
Heat warming through house.

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Drunk Girlfriend

Drunk girlfriend, hanging off my arm,
Holding her up, keep safe from harm.
Slurring, screeching random speech in my ear.

You whine and shiver that: ''I'm soooo cold
I should've brought a coat like I was told',
I've tuned you out, I absently reply 'yes dear'.

shoes swinging in hand, staggering barefoot
up the street, soles of her feet black like soot.
Guiding her through lumps of broken glass.

'Dont want that, want chips' So we queue again
strength in my support of you begins to drain,
as you stop to hug strangers as they pass.

I close my fingers tight around your hand,
your far too messy and drunk to understand,
the importance of the green cross code.

Guide you safely back home to our comfy bed,
you can annoy me there safely instead,
as I slip off to sleep, still in autopilot mode.

Saturday, 1 November 2008


Another morning, another trip to the bathroom,
up ahead, one more day of my life does loom.
In the mirror in front I look like a grizzly bear,
my face comes into focus through a bleary eyed stare.

Me, like a few, take time and lather up soap with a brush,
But most just electric shave as they stress about in a rush,
as I change the blade and drop the old rusty one in the bin.
I want a sharp clean fresh one to shave my chin.

Stroke up, rinse, then shave down going under and around,
pat dry with a towel, smooth face. No stubble to be found.
I wont try to grow tashes, handlebars or a goatee,
as nothing, not even fake beards seems to suit me.

Over the years I've cut off spots, left them headless
I can tell you, it involves a lot of blood and icky mess.
Steaming hot water to clean the grubby blade,
It stings and wont stop bleeding this cut I just made.
For a while I stopped shaving and a grew beard,
It got cut off pretty quickly as I looked weird.

Short Women All Over The World

Please, please listen to this, my plea.
Sorry if I headbutt you with my knee,
but you are short and seem to get in my way,
I like petite women and thats here to stay.

You hurl yourself about on the dancefloor,
wiggling, jiggling enticing me some more.
Dancing around with your hands in the air,
Like that old chestnut, 'you just dont care'.
Prancing in heels so high, almost on tippi toes,
fingers pointing upwards, that go right up my nose.

Standing next to you, I look down like you're an infant,
looking up at me, like I'm some sort of scary giant.
I stoop up against you from behind and grind,
drunk, getting hot and sweaty, I'll think you'll find,
that our size differences makes me seem bigger.
It's pressed against you like a twitchy trigger.
The shorter they are, the more kinky they'll be,
just take one home take my word, you'll see.

You're stood below me, cleavage on show,
I can look right down your top, right to your toe.
My backs gone, shot completly to creaking bits
from staring down at your tantalising tits.
But also to listen to the funny things you to say,
all this physiotherapy I think you should pay.

Watch out for me, as I lurch with a bad back
constaintly suffering from the odd spasm attack.
so have some sympathy for me and my spine,
pity me and my aching groans and well get along fine.

Friday, 31 October 2008

Ramble about the Valleys

I walked for over an hour or so around the valleys up towards Blackwood with the intention to take some photos. This is the only one I took and its just more or less at the bottom of the road.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Why I Fell for You

You asked me what I first noticed about you
I told a lie, what I said wasnt true.
Believing for ages that it was your eyes,
sorry, that was a big full bag of lies.

I'm not that shallow, I try not to be,
look at it from my side and you'll see,
that it is impossible to ignore your breasts.
Seriously, birds could use your bras as spacious nests.

Over time my gaze crept north and I saw that smile,
for which now I would run to you, mile after mile.
Its a bonus now, I dont care for your figure,
I'd trade it all, for your laugh and snigger.

Your warm breath makes me melt,
this feeling about someone, I've not felt.
Never, not once before in my entire life,
I hope one day, you'll be my trouble and strife.

But for now I'll make do with your titties,
'Oi, hands off mate, they're mine', such pities.
Your peachy bum, soft skin, fragrant hair and pastel legs,
like a cup of tea, stay with you even through the icky dregs.

I would rather spend time next to you, lost in your eyes,
thats the truth now, no longer porky pies.
Than stare down at your heavenly clevage,
thats suffers from great heavage.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

this is why i dont have many friends

drunk and a bit of a mess, not really a good sign for me, I was introduced to a friends girlfriend for the first time, I look at her and back at him, then back at her and tell her that 'you're punching a bit above her weight aren't you?'
The horror on both thier faces meant that I should of used my inside head voice.

Monday, 27 October 2008

How to wash a football teams kit

1. soak the kit in the bath in hot soapy water and use a broom handle to stir contents of bath around to allow cleaning agents to do their job, you can pretend you are a witch and you are stirring a cauldron.

2. after an hour or so of soaking in the bath, jump in - taking care in removing shoes and socks first to squish the kits about a bit, again if you get bored you can pretend your walking over quicksand or hot rocks. if you have no balance you can always use that trusty broom handle as a walking stick this time.

3. wash kit as normal and it comes out looking clean and smelling football kit fresh, let dry on a clotheshorse and repeat each week until the football season finishes.

My Lady Like Legs

Im fed up with my legs, no matter how much exercise I do, I cant seem to put any muscle on my legs, I've actually stopped wearing shorts as people joke at how thin and lady like my legs are.
So these are my legs please joke at how girly they are, join in and mock me about my matchstick legs, but in my defence they are strong runners legs.

And no, I'm not wearing stockings or tube socks, they are just my football socks pulled all the way up.

Saturday, 25 October 2008


Ive always wanted to get back into swimming, i enjoyed it really, but because of my arms, shoulders and chest I have issues about getting swimshort naked in front of people.
But my biggest issue was having to wear those tiny little swimming trunks at school, so small and tiny, that sometimes the old fella would be popping out of the top like a periscope.

Speaking without Thinking

Stood outside Revolutions in town, (not that I hang around outside clubs its just that it is next door to my favorite pub in town.) So I was on the phone to my friend asking where they are and what the plan is for the night, to describe what was going on in Revolutions I said that judging by the look of some of the people queuing up to enter, there must be some sort of Snog A Dog night on.
There was a bit of an awkward silence as the whole queue looked at me.
'What? you are all ugly though.'

Autumn Haikus

On guard, rake in hand.
Eyes fixed on spotless garden,
wants to stay that way.

Leaf lonely in tree,
Breeze tickles it free.
Floats down to join friends.

Leaf crisp under foot,
nose red from stiff morning air.
Autumn turning cold.

Bad Teacher

Its driving my wild
Come now, shes just a child.
Shut up you, shes no virgin
no girl over 13 is free of sin.
Shes the type of girl to know,
I bet shes male popular on Bebo.

Her skirt rides up high,
showing off that perfect thigh.
Tasty and inviting like a chicken drumstick
leaving me with sticky fingers, I just want to lick.

I tried to resist her with all my might,
I thought it was just a fancy dress night
I didnt know it was real ,until I took her class.
I feel bad now for checking out her ass.
You called me sir,
I made you purr (amongst other things).
My forehead sweats and goes red,
as i think about what you get up too behind that bikeshed.


The breakfast I love the most
is big fat buttery toast.
I love to tell my friends with a boast
thats I've just had some toast.

It makes me spring downstairs
in my jimmy jams and slippers,
I can smell it through my nosehairs
and the stench of my dads kippers.

The breakfast I love the most
is big fat buttery toast.
I love to tell my friends with a boast
thats I've just had some toast.

With jam, marmalade or even honey,
spread thinly, covered in marmite.
That for some reason thats funny,
some people find a delight.

The breakfast I love the most
is big fat buttery toast.
I love to tell my friends with a boast
thats I've just had some toast.

Scoff it down too quickly and splutter,
any bread as long as its toasted
and totally soggy with butter.
Toast, the food I love the mosted.


One thing that annoys the hell out of me when it comes to children is breakfast time.
Being the independent little shits they are, children will tip half a box of cornflakes all over the table and hope that some will land in thier bowl, then they will get up go over to the fridge get the milk out and carry it back to the table, climb up onto their chair and while kneeling they will pour the milk across the table and thier bowl.
Leaving the empty milk bottle on the table they dig into thier breakfast, eating the few cornflakes that actually landed in the bowl, floating like soggy leafs the milk.
They get down from the table leaving their mess behind so when I go to make a cup of tea, there is no milk left, so I have to reuse the milk from thier bowl, leaving me with a cornflakey cup of tea.


Oh lazy bear there,
why do you not move that much?
'I'm sooooo hungover.'

Panda bear sat there
giving me that brown eyed stare,
trying to pull me.

Look at that monkey
touch himself like a donkey.
Thats masturbation.

carrying out simple tasks,
is the life of ants.

Birdsong from the trees,
find a mate, try to please.
Ooops, thats a sparrow.

Thursday, 23 October 2008


During a check up at the dentists, I had an appointment with the dental nurse to give my mouth a clean - saves me a job i suppose.
So she got one of the dental picks and started scraping the gunk from between my teeth. My teeth are fairly clean anyway, but while she was scraping away at my teeth, she asked me if my gums usually bled when i brush them.
I said, 'No, not really, but then again i normally use a toothbrush and not a hook.'


As you can see i dont have much luck with women, i'm not very good around them, so when I finally get a girl interested in me, there is that male worry about what she looks like without bra on, I dont necessarily mean small boobs, but just odd ones, like fish eyes.
So when you finally unclasp the bra, quite quickly i'll have you know, there is that split second where it could go either way and sometimes its like.
'Awww, thats a shame, lets just pop them back in the bra, shall we.'

Another awkward moment in the Pub

'Oi, are you checking out my bird?!?'
Shouts a big chav thug, as he storms on over,
I look at him, then over his shoulder to his girlfriend.
'Pffft, no.' I reply, 'Shes well ugly.'


Society is hurtling towards a more technological advanced era, everyday there are discoveries made in all areas of science but as we look towards the future, there are still plenty of people looking back in the past and are worried about what might be lost.
So countries and governments across the world are spending billions in scanning and updating all our historic books, literature, artifacts and documents. These are then placed onto a hard drives and can be viewed through a computer or over the internet.
The risk here is that hard drives can be corrupted and lost so we lose all that information forever.
What should happen is, books should be imbedded with a seed, so if the book is damaged you can plant it and watch the book re-grow, so the information inside that is precious to mankind is never lost, which leads to less ignorance as this information continues to grow and flourish throughout mankind.

Space Debris

Each year the Earth collects about 200 tonnes of space debris, this is made up from satellites, asteroids, meteorites and all other space junk.
All the time the Earth is getting heavier and like fat people who put on extra weight, everything becomes a bit of a struggle, movement and even keeping up a decent walking pace compared to everyone else.
So while the Earth gets heavier and cant keep up with the rest of the solar system, with this extra weight will the Earth slump into a different orbit of the Sun? Would that mean hotter summers and colder winters? Will the Eart just fall out of Orbit all together and just keep falling until it hits the bottom, like a shot putt?

What am I looking for in a woman?

Im looking for a woman who can suck vaseline through a garden hose.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Lost Love Notes

When i was a teenager (a fair few years ago i know,) I recieved and wrote many lovenotes during my relationships with my very few girlfriends.
I loved getting these notes, it was better than recieving a birthday card full of money as they meant so much more to me, they were a nice suprise to find in the bottom of your shoe or coat pocket, or waking up and finding one waiting for you on your bedside cabinet. They were very personal and intimate brought us both closer together as you could write things you were scared to say.
Even if the relationship doesn't last, you will always have something to remember it by, something to look back on to remember who you were and a happier time.
For some reason teenagers when i ask them if they send lovenotes, have no idea what im talking about.
They dont write them, all they do is send short pointless text messages rather than write out whole funny gentle and meaningful personal letters which is for you and you only.
What happens to these text messages I hear you ask? They either lose the phone or embarrassed in front of thier friends that they have recieved a message full of love, they hastily delete the message without hesitation.
They just dont seem to put the effort in like me and my girlfriends did, no saucy polaroids or lipstick on letters, no familiar hangwriting that you follow lovingly with your eyes.
It's just dead cold standard text type - 'i fink ur wll sxy, nce tits'. where is the love in that?

Safe Sex Campaign

There are these adverts running at the moment where a group of teenage boys are taking about having sex and one of them the night before had sex with his girlfriend. The adverts then split two ways, one which is where he used a condom and they all respect and high five him, and the girlfriend and her friend has a giggle about it as it's all safe.
But the other ending to the advert is where he doesn't use a condom and his friends give him a hard time about it, calling him irresponsible for not taking precautions. Then it cuts to his girlfriend and her friend again and this time she has been made out to be the victim. but surely she has just as much responsibility as her boyfriend does when it comes to having sex?


Wolf howling outside,
in pain. Howls again some more.
Tail trapped in the door.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008


I’m not a geek, well not a big geek, I just like comics.
But for some reason certain women find the idea of a geek really hot, so i was with a woman and we were getting flirty, me in my batman t-shirt, I dunno what that’s doing to her it must be turning her on or something, she nearly slipped her seat, so I go, ‘do you want to come back to my place? I’ve got loads of superman novels’
‘mmmmmmm’ she goes,
I whisper in her ear, ‘and there all in issue order’ wham.
That’s it, shes dragging me home to mine!
‘ooo I’ve been naughty come spank my comics’

Dreaming Together

Wouldn’t it be weird if we could meet up in dreams?

‘Alright Dan how’s it going?’
‘I’m ok yourself?’
‘Yeah I’m not too bad, so who is dreaming about you tonight then?’
‘I’ll just have a look, hmm got about 10 hot women tonight wanting to do sexy things with me, I’m going to be stretched tonight.’
‘You absolute shit, I’m a bit player in one dream and yet you have got half the women in the county wanting you!’


From Taffs Well you can already see how steep the climb is going to be, walking across the rusting bridge, the taff below is a groggy green shade looking like its in a constant hungover state.
Once the otherside of the Taff, you have to gear up a very steep worn footpath with benches at every turn, after struggling and sweating up that climb you enter Gwaelog-y-Garth.
Walking through the village, the school playground on the left is full, children running with untold amounts of energy.
Turning right and following the footpath up into the forest, the path climbs slowly up behind the houses, giving an oppurtunity to have a nose into people gardens and front rooms. Just as you enter the woods, the noise of the playground fades out and is replaced with an eeriy silence, the trees creek behind, like as if the preaditor is stalking you.
The whole forest is a monoculture failure, the trees are straight tall, blocking out all the light, slowly killing itself, looking into the distance the trees blur into what looks like a wooden panel fence.
Pockets of light flood the forest floor, forest fauna springs out of the ground, desperate for the light. Climbing over the hazardous rocky path cut out deep from the rainfall.
Once through the woods, you enter a thick grassed field full of sheep, making your way through this heavy field is hard going and at the top of the field you can look back down the field trying to locate the footpath that you just created is not to be found. It is satisfying to know that you've made no impact on the area, there are lambs sleeping under the trees, keeping out of the hot sun, the breeze here is cool but its still hot.
Climbing up towards the top of the garth, the footpath curls up, which has been replaced recenlty and looking at the state at the side of the hill, it looks like it needs constant maintance.
It is always tempting to stop and take a view now, I prefer to wait until I'm at the top.
There are two points to climb up onto the Garth, the first is the rocky outcrop with over looks Taffs Well, this rocky outcrop is very distinctive at the foot of the valley.
Sat on the rocks, drinking a refreshing cup of tea, the breeze here is stronger, so it is ideal for paragliders who lauch themselves off this hill hoping the thermals will carry them higher, the breeze picks up and I huddle down between the rocks using them as a windbreak, warmth from the rocks absorbed from the sun keep me comfortble.
Rested, I begin the climb to the very top of the Garth the footpath here look like the scales of a dragon, the symbol of Wales, walking up these scales of the sleeping beast, its spine continuing up the valley ridges.
At the top you look back down into Cardiff over the severn into England, the Millenium Centre in the Bay, shines like a polished copper kettle. Below me, trains rattle empty along the valley lines, once full and busy pulling coal to power the Empire, but now only shuttling to and from work.
Walking across the top towards the mount birds twitter and shoot out of the heather like missles, ready to defend their nests. Overhead birds of prey hover, looking down for their next meal adjusting thier bodies to deal with the strong changing breeze.
Standing at the top of the garth, the valleys are sprawled out below, the houses hug the valleyside like the contour lines on a map. From here you can see the old and the new, the old mines rusting away and far in the distance the wind farm crates a new form of energy rather than coal.
Walking back down the otherside of the garth, it leads down a steep, rocky footpath which is eroded away from the drowning rainfall, its a careful walk down which completes a loop back into Gwaelog-y-Garth.

I Prefer the Shade

I can't see the appeal of sitting in the park, tanning up in the strong summers sun, i'd rather lurk in the shades of the trees, resting up against one, like natures porch over looking the back garden.


Above the sky gets dark, sitting on the window ledge of my bedroom, feet resting tippi toed against the conservatory roof. I sip my tea and watch the weather change as the storm begins to build up, the tempertaure turns cold, as it creeps across like the draft through a leaky letterbox.

Lightening flashes behind the houses silluetting them like spectators at a firework display. The rain rattles in the distance and creeps across like a opening stage curtain at the start of the show, until every sound is drenched in the downpour.

It cools with the rain, goosepimples tickle up my arms, yet perched on my window ledge its still warm from the heat that the house has collected.

To the right of me Cardiff city centre fades into a pale orange flourencent milkshake glow.
The storm sets in, and now like a child in my mothers arms i watch nature show its fury from the safety of my bedroom.

Gulls fly in the cool air gliding, deaf to the crashing thunder as dogs bark scared.

Once mother nature has said her piece, she gently fades away moves over.

Cardiff is fresh and pure, ready to dirty itself once more.

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Eroding Away

Wearing you down again,
my lighthouse, takes the strain.
In the distance many storms brew,
that light guiding me safely, is you.
Only so much you can take
you crack and fall, as the waves break.

Nothing to hold on to,
nothing to guide me.
I slip down & drown.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

i found these funny

I tried going to the Paralympics but I couldn’t find a parking space anywhere near the place.

I was a ugly baby my mother only started getting morning sickness after I was born.

I went to a opera once, ill tell you want they don’t like it much when you join in.

Don’t let your mind wonder too far, it’s a little small to be out on its own.

Doctor to hospital patient, ‘ your coughing seems to be easier this morning, patient replies, it should be ive been up all night practicing.

What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

A single herring can produce over a million offspring, god knows how many the married ones can churn out.

I was doing some DIY so I got out my step ladder I don’t get on with my real ladder.

I wouldn’t say she’s fat but she does have to wear a g rope.

Shes got a million dollar figure unfortunately its all in loose change.

Best Place for a Date

The Answer is, the Supermarket.

Now, I know what your thinking, , how romantic is that, but hear me out, what does the supermarket offer you compared to say a meal? Cinema? Or whatever it is you do.
You learn so much more about them, on the trip around the supermarket what do you do?
You can see what their buying, you can study them, you can see if they are really picky over the weight of products, or whether they buy, veggie, organic, ready meals, as it shows if they can cook or not.
Or healthy eating products, they might have a problem with there weight or fuss over it, lets be honest that’s something you want to know straight away so you don’t keep putting your foot in it.
Finally to see if they are patient enough to stand in the queue, to tolerate the screaming kids about around the place.
You'll fins out a lot more about someone than you realise.


Nearly got slapped on a night out, I asked these girls if they were out in fancy dress, - how was I suppose to know they were just ugly.

Drunk Girlfriends

Drunk girlfriends are absolute nightmares, they stagger home in a mood, then make some toast forget about it, then go to the bathroom, spend ages in there banging about, then are sick in the toilet, locked away, what can you do?. It’s the only time you say I love you, as that’s all you can do. It’s the only positive thing you can do in that situation.

The Cold Weather

I can’t have a door open it has to be closed, and I walk through the house making sure all the doors are closed. The reason I have to have the doors closed is because of drafts, I can feel drafts, I mean it if there is a draft anywhere in the house I can feel it. One arm hair stands on end and I have to find and stop that draft. Walking around the house opening and re-closing and locking all the doors and windows firmly, trying to track down this draft, it drives me nuts.
What also annoys me, is my size, you have to sort of sleep diagonally so you fit, so over the course of my life I’ve learnt how to sleep perfectly now sometimes my foot might fall out from the bottom of my bed and a draft will snake its way up my bed and up my leg and will entice me from my dream, to come find out where this draft is coming from.

Food Bill for a Zoo

How much is a zoo’s food bill? It’s just a random thought.
Grow it? How much land do they need to grow it? Like the zoo’s twice the size?
Or just stick it in the ground let it grow, then let the animals in. Just think how much food they need everyday, do they pop down to tesco to do the shop? Think of the club card points you could get from that, plus recycling the carrier bags as well.
You see them walking into the lion enclosure with this massive side of meat. Where do get all the meat from? They recycle the dead animals in the park? Is there a warden whose got a massive calendar, its got every animals birthday on, hmm, he’s getting a bit old. He just drives around with a gun in his lap driving through the buffalo section, spots one in the corner, coughing and shaking? Bang, dead that’s a bit of meat sorted.


The Sooty and Sweep show, what was that about? That was about immigrants or asylum seekers who come to this country to work and a better life, you think I’m kidding? Lets look at the characters, Sooty – a slang name for black people, Sweep – the crazy foreigner who cant speak a word of English and Soo – the Asian.
In the show every week what happens? That’s right they are given a job and they mess it up and something happens to poor old Matthew (the welfare officer), who has the task of finding them jobs and housing, yet at the end of every episode its ok, all is forgiven and they are given another chance, just like the British asylum system.

Bar Ladies

The bar lady smiles, i think she likes me.
But how could that possibly be?
I stand there, in her eyes
I see that need for me.
It turns out all she wanted was my order.

spelling my name

i get asked a lot how to spell my name, i now just reply. 'With letters, like normal.'

Friday, 17 October 2008

No Pineapple

No pinapple! what a swizz, its like buying a feast ice-cream and not having the hard chocolate centre.

Did i take it back? No, did i add pineapple from a tin? No i had a full ham pizza


Plum, floating down river,
say how did you get there?
Well its an interesting story you see,
I was out down town with my friend pear
drinking tequila with a shiver.
So drunk I fell out of my tree
and well, here I am


I thought i saw a unicorn the other day, it turned out to be a horse being riden by a child who had dropped thier ice cream on the horses head.

man at piano

Man at piano,
writing a song about love.
Knows not what to write.

sharing the bed

I quite snuggling up, it doesn't happen very often, but there are a few things that annoy me about it. Firstly, women like to curl up close to you, which is fine, but they put thier heads in stupid places. The first is right against your ear, so you have their warm breath tickling your ear and slowly melts your ear wax, or they put thier head right under you, with the smallest breathing space in the world.
I'm not a very good sleeper, it takes me ages to nod off, bbc radio four or classic fm on in the backround to relax me so i can nod off. But for some reason at that moment where im about to nod off, their leg comes jutting across into me. This repeats itself all the time, so either stay over there and don’t kick me, or get in close and snuggle up before I try to fall asleep, damn you.

the perfect stranger

I wish i was you
as you walk through the park,
hand in hand with beautiful girls

I wish i was you
skipping, laughing, having a lark.
But at that point my life unfurls.

I wish i was you
ao i could keep it altogether,
rather than this emotional mess.

I wish i was you,
you perfect stranger,
than me, with my issues to address.


Planes all the way up there,
your vapour trail strings along like the thread from a towel.
Like everyone onboard, a shellsuit is what you wear,
oh yes, they say, this is the only way to travel.

Thursday, 16 October 2008

more haikus

Busy man has no
time, for what he holds so dear.
Will end up lonely

Soggy damp with rain,
puddles forming, blocked are drains.
squelching shoes not nice.

Silent as a stone,
skimming along the water.
slowly sinking down.

Birds chirping in trees,
grass itching at my pink knees.
A quaint summers day.

Thunder overhead,
flash boom, the house does shudder.
Hard rain rattles roof.

Floating down river,
breeze makes my back a shiver
whoops I've lost an oar.

Pebble on beach,
tides come, slowly wash away
all my fears and dreams.

Hate rising inside.
Surface splits to release pain,
Blood flows like lava.

my whisper

I'll deny that I ever said any of this
I'm tired now as i kiss your head
as i roll back away
to the other side of the bed.

I turn off the light and yawn
your figure comes back into show
silhouetted in green,
from the alarm clock glow.

I just want to thank you,
to save you the embarrassment
I love you dearly
for this time together we've spent

As you sleep,
I tell you how i feel
not to your face,
that is my deal.


'A player, me?!' I Cry
'Well you are good looking'
'Hmmm, ok.' Is my hesistant reply
'I'm not just after a good fucking.'
'Thats lucky.' relief flows through my mind,
'So you're telling me I'm the best you could find?'
Amongst the throngs of youthful dance
Is this the start of our romance?

I guess not

the odd goodbye

What i find really frustrating and awkward is when you say good bye at train stations, what is there correct etiquette for it? any other situation you would, kiss, hug shake hangs and say bye, turn away and leave.
Whereas on trains, for some reason you go through the normal goodbye routine but for some reason you have to hang around and wait for the train to actually pull away from the station before the process is complete.
So you sit down on the train and wait for it leave, there is that awkward moment between you both as you dont really know what to do, then as the train pulls out you wave again.
So what i do now is if someone sees me off, ill just say bye get my book out and ignore them, or just drop their bag off say bye and not even bother walking them to the platform.

Self Hate

The problem with self harm is if you try and get help and tell friends, they ten just to shout at you for being silly.
Well, ok then if you're just going to shout at me, then i wont tell you next time it happens.
But now if i ever get a cut on my arm, i get asked if im harming again, no i just caught my arm on some brambles as i was walking. Are you sure? they reply, dont believe me then!

They're like homemade tattoos except they go deep into your soul.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Do birds have regional accents

across the country accents change and vary region and county to county, now does this apply to birds as well?

Ex Housemate

I moved into this house and i thought it was nice and for a month it was ok, then it started.

The freak housemate refused to let me put up a bird feeder over winter as they was afraid of catching bird flu, i fixed the lock in the bathroom which they then 'unfixed' as they was afraid of having an accident in the bathroom and being unable to be rescued.
They cried to me all the time talking about their parents and how much they hated them yet demanded money of them and still got £50 a month pocket money even though they are nearly 30.

When one room became free i tried to put everyone off by shaking my head when the Freak wasn't looking, one person did move in i told them give it a month and you'll see.

Sure enough one month later she was being driven up the walls. The Freaky one also believed they had everything wrong with themself, had a cupboard full of every sort of pill and even knew the doctors recepitionists name's off by heart by the sound of their voice on the phone.

They were even told by the doctors surgery to find another practice as they were fed up of wasting time treating the Freak.

My Stupid Name

I have had issues with my name my entire life, even now after a whole schooling of people mocking my name i still get it.
For some reason most people cannot pronouce my name correctly, i wouldnt mind if it was a hard name to pronouce, but it isnt. All people do is accentuate the first letter of my name so its not balanced. because of my name people tend to assume that im stupid or not that bright, this is one of the reasons that i have no confiedence in myself why should i try if people are already going to asume that im stupid.
When people meet me for the first time they dont believe that it is my real name, many a time i have had to get out my driving licence to prove that it is.
Even getting my passport or driving licence proved to be difficult with it coming back every time with what they assume is my name rather than believe what i have written down for them.
Im not bothered any more ive accepted it, registering for the doctors today, a random name came over the tannoy, not my name but i knew it was me. the doctor asked me how she should pronouce my name.
as ever i gave my defeatist reply

"anyway you like".

These are some Haiku poems that i have written

Passive smoking why?
Clogs my lungs, going to die
not before you do.

Bird sitting in tree,
why do you look down at me?
Watch out! eeew, bird poo.

Sitting in traffic
getting angry at stopped cars,
radio four on.

Leaf floating gently
down stream, no cares in the world,
out into the sea.

Beautiful as sin,
you're a face I want to win,
pround of my trophy.

Beauty holds no bounds
always gets rid of my frowns,
hold me close and tight.

Frost shivering cold,
lazy daisy sleeps on
its not summer yet.

Jack Frosts holiday,
all over town he strikes cold.
Tongue stuck to lamp post.

Bear awakening
yawns, as his sleep is now over
salmon for breakfast.

Country fox, whats new?
'Nowt, harvests still completed,
they hunt me no more.'

Bird spirals up high,
thermals ticking below,
no care in the world.