haikus for a saturday night

.SaturdayNight.
Lit chinese dragon
formed from taxi headlights, snakes
crawling down highstreet.

.SillyAdverts.
Pack of women hunt
war cry of.'Here come the girls!'
Damn you, boots adverts.

some haikus

.WateryEyes.
Wind cuts, biting deep
stinging gales like TCP.
Winters cold begins.

.EyeHeight.
Short woman below
lowcut top reveals goodness.
Perfect eye level.

haiku about Brits abroad

.JamesBond.
For Queen and Country
ploughing women of all types.
Bond, a Brit abroad.

haikus again

WeCanAllSeeYou'reBeautiful.
Pretty girl draws scowls
from women who are jealous.
Object of male hearts.

.FootballThugs.
Pub electric tense
football fans ready to fight.
The beautiful game.

some more haikus

.ThereIsAlwaysOne.
Silently they fall,
snowflakes glide down. one goes 'Weeeeee'.
There is always one.

.WaterTorture.
Drips erratically
like a broken shower head,
this rainstorm will pass.

.CorrFitty!.
Woman in glasses,
looking over top of specs.
Take me to bed now.

.SnooSnoo.
Amazon woman,
dominant, tall, sexy, strong.
Take me for Snoo Snoo.

.Hyperactive.
Haribo eaten,
can smell colours, time changes.
This is my Taris.

.Butterface.
Want to take you home,
Sexy body, Butterface.....?
Am i drunk enough?

Barfly Girl

My ears are struggling to hear
your thoughts from your lips,
those, that you believe so dear
this shoddy live band drowns
deafening your angelic sound.
All I can hear is your smile
eyebrows moves contortly
into relaxed frowns
and just nod contently.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I dont have a bebo or facebook
far too fiddely is all that,
I would just for another look.
Will put words I want to hear
into your perfect mouth
as this cover song ends,
I catch a word from you
the crowd cheer
no strong regional accent.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I hope for the right words
out of your delicate mouth
your smile framed by dimples
looking back your eyelids flutter,
twinkling, whites of youe eyes
doing that cute girl stance
and I'm glad you so cant
hear my stutter
through the bands noise.

chunky woman haiku

.JustBigBoned.
I am hypnotised,
by those thunderous big thighs.
My chunky lover.

my fantasy women

Look down at those lips of yours
covered in my saliva.
Slobbery kisses, Strobe lighting.
Consequences of when we drink
three bottles for a fiver.

In my palm, a small emo girls,
gentle fingertip touch.
Your straight dyed black hair.
Those beautiful eyes framed in
thick eyeliner, used too much.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

Stumbled our way out of the exit
a bright nailedvarnished hand.
The fizzy street orange glow.
Leading back to yours for dirty sex,
I lied and said I was in a band.

You and friends youthful slang
I have no idea what it means.
Cant start a conversation so.
I laugh awkwardly in places
as we queue for chips and beans.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

drunk in town again

As usual, I strike up the conversation with a woman: 'So what do you do then?'
'I'm a drama teacher.'
'Really', I reply, 'A failed actor then?'
Mind you she did go to the same uni as me.

Babe

I hate the phrase babe, who ever calls their boyfriend or girlfriend babe, I hate you. Why you ask? I'll tell you why, everytime your out in town and someone says, ‘You here babe?’ Every single person looks around thinking its them being called. Its just like that standard text message sound, everybody used to check their phone.
Why Babe? You're just referring your partner like you’ve referred to every past partner you’ve ever had, this person should be special to you and yet you call them what? The same phrase that you used before with your last partner, now these two partners are totally different if not why are you with someone else? did they leave you as they got fed up of being called Babe?
Use something that means something, everyone one of my friends has a shit nickname, I mean really shit, its just something between us two, more personal and much better than wailing babe.

Pool Playing Women

Why do women insist on playing pool, not snooker but pool? I dont play pool I cant play, so I always refuse to and go and ask behind the bar if they have any darts for the board, but I get nagged into playing by women. So I put my fifty pence down to play and not just for a sly peek down thier top as the cue up thier shot, but to shut them up and keep them happy. But as we've had a few drinks before we play and after telling the local guy who hangs around looking for someone to play against who states that it is, 'winner stays on,' to fuck off. The game starts and after about 5 minutes with no balls potted, for some reason every woman I've played pool with, starts to cheat and obviously right there infront of me, place the balls in the pocket and laugh as they do thinking its funny and ok to cheat and stand there with a huge grin on thier half drunk face. Damn them, maybe this is the real reason why I dont play pool.

Short Women All Over The World

Please, please listen to this, my plea.
Sorry if I headbutt you with my knee,
but you are short and seem to get in my way,
I like petite women and thats here to stay.

You hurl yourself about on the dancefloor,
wiggling, jiggling enticing me some more.
Dancing around with your hands in the air,
Like that old chestnut, 'you just dont care'.
Prancing in heels so high, almost on tippi toes,
fingers pointing upwards, that go right up my nose.

Standing next to you, I look down like you're an infant,
looking up at me, like I'm some sort of scary giant.
I stoop up against you from behind and grind,
drunk, getting hot and sweaty, I'll think you'll find,
that our size differences makes me seem bigger.
It's pressed against you like a twitchy trigger.
The shorter they are, the more kinky they'll be,
just take one home take my word, you'll see.

You're stood below me, cleavage on show,
I can look right down your top, right to your toe.
My backs gone, shot completly to creaking bits
from staring down at your tantalising tits.
But also to listen to the funny things you to say,
all this physiotherapy I think you should pay.

Watch out for me, as I lurch with a bad back
constaintly suffering from the odd spasm attack.
so have some sympathy for me and my spine,
pity me and my aching groans and well get along fine.

Why I Fell for You

You asked me what I first noticed about you
I told a lie, what I said wasnt true.
Believing for ages that it was your eyes,
sorry, that was a big full bag of lies.

I'm not that shallow, I try not to be,
look at it from my side and you'll see,
that it is impossible to ignore your breasts.
Seriously, birds could use your bras as spacious nests.

Over time my gaze crept north and I saw that smile,
for which now I would run to you, mile after mile.
Its a bonus now, I dont care for your figure,
I'd trade it all, for your laugh and snigger.

Your warm breath makes me melt,
this feeling about someone, I've not felt.
Never, not once before in my entire life,
I hope one day, you'll be my trouble and strife.

But for now I'll make do with your titties,
'Oi, hands off mate, they're mine', such pities.
Your peachy bum, soft skin, fragrant hair and pastel legs,
like a cup of tea, stay with you even through the icky dregs.

I would rather spend time next to you, lost in your eyes,
thats the truth now, no longer porky pies.
Than stare down at your heavenly clevage,
thats suffers from great heavage.

boobs

As you can see i dont have much luck with women, i'm not very good around them, so when I finally get a girl interested in me, there is that male worry about what she looks like without bra on, I dont necessarily mean small boobs, but just odd ones, like fish eyes.
So when you finally unclasp the bra, quite quickly i'll have you know, there is that split second where it could go either way and sometimes its like.
'Awww, thats a shame, lets just pop them back in the bra, shall we.'

What am I looking for in a woman?

Im looking for a woman who can suck vaseline through a garden hose.

Geek?

I’m not a geek, well not a big geek, I just like comics.
But for some reason certain women find the idea of a geek really hot, so i was with a woman and we were getting flirty, me in my batman t-shirt, I dunno what that’s doing to her it must be turning her on or something, she nearly slipped her seat, so I go, ‘do you want to come back to my place? I’ve got loads of superman novels’
‘mmmmmmm’ she goes,
I whisper in her ear, ‘and there all in issue order’ wham.
That’s it, shes dragging me home to mine!
‘ooo I’ve been naughty come spank my comics’

Slapped

Nearly got slapped on a night out, I asked these girls if they were out in fancy dress, - how was I suppose to know they were just ugly.

sharing the bed

I quite snuggling up, it doesn't happen very often, but there are a few things that annoy me about it. Firstly, women like to curl up close to you, which is fine, but they put thier heads in stupid places. The first is right against your ear, so you have their warm breath tickling your ear and slowly melts your ear wax, or they put thier head right under you, with the smallest breathing space in the world.
I'm not a very good sleeper, it takes me ages to nod off, bbc radio four or classic fm on in the backround to relax me so i can nod off. But for some reason at that moment where im about to nod off, their leg comes jutting across into me. This repeats itself all the time, so either stay over there and don’t kick me, or get in close and snuggle up before I try to fall asleep, damn you.