a haiku

.LastNight.
Bed sheet contour lines
map last nights expedition.
On the floor we wake.

haikus about barladies

.PerfectPouredPint.
Barmaid foxy gaze
lustily handles the pumps.
Seduction complete.

.DoubleUp.
Leaning over bar
barmaids bosom draws sly gaze.
Thats why I drink here.

.DrunksEyes.
those sparkling eyes
in the sea of drunk sorrow.
Pretty barlady.

a haiku about a hard on

.CaughtOutside.
Walking leaning slouch
jumper pulled well down to hide.
Mans hard untamed lust.

lusty gaze haiku

.DrunkPerving.
Lusty gaze at breasts
captured on facebook for all.
Awaits girlfriends wrath.

some more haikus

.SharpSandwich.
Concentrate on lunch
while viewing internet fun.
Ow! Sandwich in eye.

.SweatyMan.
Snogging sweatily,
her glitter make-up transferred.
Look like crap tranny.

.CarryOnFilms.
Lowcut top strolls past,
tripping me, catching a glimpse.
Cleavage monster strikes

oh rachel riley

From the moment my eyes
clapped stubbled on you.
My heart felt full,
like its stuffed full of pies.
Cogs twirl,
in that war stopping
pretty face working out
that numbers round.
No greater beauty can be found,
except if you were nude
thats so true.

Oh Rachel Riley
with your smart head
and warming smile.
I'd swot up just to impress
as long as at the end
you got to undress.

Politely making small talk
with dictoinary corner.
I watch you,
practicing my moonwalk.
In bed,
bring you breakfast
before ive finished toast.
I would watch you
solve the daily mails sudoku,
so modest about it my
ecliptic lunar.

Oh Rachel Riley
with your smart head
and warming smile.
I'd swot up just to impress
as long as at the end
you got to undress.

Everyday a different outfit
that shows off those.
Luscious legs,
to my tv they transmit.
Placed vowels,
and odd consonants
spell my long love of her.
Queen on throne
Carol fanbase continue to moan,
will she ever be mine?
Noone knows.

some more haikus

.ThereIsAlwaysOne.
Silently they fall,
snowflakes glide down. one goes 'Weeeeee'.
There is always one.

.WaterTorture.
Drips erratically
like a broken shower head,
this rainstorm will pass.

.CorrFitty!.
Woman in glasses,
looking over top of specs.
Take me to bed now.

.SnooSnoo.
Amazon woman,
dominant, tall, sexy, strong.
Take me for Snoo Snoo.

.Hyperactive.
Haribo eaten,
can smell colours, time changes.
This is my Taris.

.Butterface.
Want to take you home,
Sexy body, Butterface.....?
Am i drunk enough?

red haired wonder girl

The crowd moves around you,
a goddess surrounded
by her minions.
moving in a slow motion grace,
I cut a path across to you.
Forever remembered in my head.
Through your friends I create a space,
who hiss thier worthless opinions.

Again, this club remains so bland,
something catches my eye.
I stop and stare,
at your firey red hair.
Please dont ever use hair dye
your stunning and so grand.

When we meet the flintstones,
lady wilma of bedrock
I'd be better
than fred could ever aim to be,
house from dinosaur bones.
Built for you, carved stone block.
Stood in your tight white dress for me,
you are a fashion trend setter.

Again, this club remains so bland,
something catches my eye.
I stop and stare,
at your firey red hair.
Please dont ever use hair dye
your stunning and so grand.

The sambucca wincing my face,
as slowly build up my
dutch courage
to make my final defining move,
your beauty I long to trace.
Now take a deep breath and sigh.
to show you how much that I approve,
not only of your heaving cleavage.

red head haiku

.Gingerbox.
Red Hair! What a fox!
She is stunning. I'd like to
stoke her firebox.

deperate eyes

Must remember, to make
A mental marker, of your position.
The way you look at me,
I know I'm in there,
Because of how you continue to stare.
I need a visual marker for recognition,
Just look for the girl
With the desperate eyes.
We watch you all grace the dancefloor
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend keith dutton

The things we do to try and score
To take home for some bam bam.
If im honest, to myself,
I can do better, no offence.
Return to the back-burner,
Hopeful number two,
I have got my reserve sticker on you.
Woman that will make my heart seize,
Who is a little better
Than what you have

We watch you all grace the dancefloor,
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend Keith Dutton.

The things we do to try and score,
To take home for some bam bam.
The sidelines, stand there
Lost, like a long forgotten substitute.
You get out there for your
Share of the attention.
Take a risk for some love retention,
This place full of ill gained disrepute
Here we look scanning,
Across the dance-floor

We watch you all grace the dance-floor
Separated by us, the sheep dogs,
To find our own fluffy cute lamb,
And giving the mutton
To our friend Keith Dutton
The things we do to try and score,
To take home for some bam bam.
I'm desperate, one final
Sweep to see if there are any takers,
Nothing interest in me,
I return your gone,
You were someone else's number one.
I'll take anything now, even those fakers
Alone, the lights flick on,
At the end of this final song.

Barfly Girl

My ears are struggling to hear
your thoughts from your lips,
those, that you believe so dear
this shoddy live band drowns
deafening your angelic sound.
All I can hear is your smile
eyebrows moves contortly
into relaxed frowns
and just nod contently.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I dont have a bebo or facebook
far too fiddely is all that,
I would just for another look.
Will put words I want to hear
into your perfect mouth
as this cover song ends,
I catch a word from you
the crowd cheer
no strong regional accent.

through the smoke machines haze
usually I'd be checking out your rack
I cant draw my gaze
from your smile.
Gives so much life, like the river Nile.
Something I always lack.

I hope for the right words
out of your delicate mouth
your smile framed by dimples
looking back your eyelids flutter,
twinkling, whites of youe eyes
doing that cute girl stance
and I'm glad you so cant
hear my stutter
through the bands noise.

chunky woman haiku

.JustBigBoned.
I am hypnotised,
by those thunderous big thighs.
My chunky lover.

my fantasy women

Look down at those lips of yours
covered in my saliva.
Slobbery kisses, Strobe lighting.
Consequences of when we drink
three bottles for a fiver.

In my palm, a small emo girls,
gentle fingertip touch.
Your straight dyed black hair.
Those beautiful eyes framed in
thick eyeliner, used too much.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

Stumbled our way out of the exit
a bright nailedvarnished hand.
The fizzy street orange glow.
Leading back to yours for dirty sex,
I lied and said I was in a band.

You and friends youthful slang
I have no idea what it means.
Cant start a conversation so.
I laugh awkwardly in places
as we queue for chips and beans.

Fantasy women are Emos.
Those thick frames glasses.
Studded belts, slung over your pert asses.
the poor mans gothic girl.
But what stood out,
was your pout.

Tranny Porn

This also is inspired like 'crusty sue' from a b3ta QOTW.

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

In front of me, female perfection on show,
as she grinds teasingly in hi-def slow-mo,
with her pouting those fully glossed lips,
wriggling senusally and shaking her hips.
The internet my vast porn wonderland,
Oh thank you, quick speed broadband!
Full of the filthiest video grot ever seen,
no longer will my mind be pure or clean.

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

Rub myself again harder, it wont be long,
a fantasy girl, such a slut and so strong.
Running her hands over her pert body,
Most (all) my ex's were pretty shoddy.
Smug with myself that I found this link
on the screen she gives a sly cheeky wink,
pulls down her underwear, over her bum,
I close my eyes and judder, I'm about to ......

I'm in my gibbering, sweaty, horny mode,
Waiting for porn so I can sploof my load.

Open my eyes, leg still twitching. In shock,
in front of me she has a great big cock!
Panties dangling, like a portrait off a nail.
Eww! Ladyboy, tranny, a lady shemale!
She tricked & cheated me! Rude and wrong.
A minute before she was a lady in a thong,
My mind confused, aroused? Dismay
What now? Does it mean I am gay?

I'm in my guilty, sweaty and disappointed phase,
deleting this porn, so I wont watch it for a few days.

Crusty Sue

You are always there my faithful,
the reason why I dont go out to pull.
You will never hurt or leave me
they dont understand, they dont see.
No matter where I go, you'll be by my side,
'it will never work,' they chorusly snide.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

Once again, I come home alone,
in my pants, I'm hard as a bone.
Then you appear my faithful friend,
we both know how this will soon end.
For those many, many who may mock,
shes more to me than just a wank sock.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

Laying next to you in my warm bed,
have you here, than a woman instead.
my head is spining, myself a tired mess,
waking up late, alarm blaring, time to dress.
Sock on my foot, uncrusts, becomes unstuck
yes, its the one full of my dry man muck.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

There was that one awkward moment,
she had my house keys, a way into mine.
My 'then' girlfriend, walked in on me,
passed out drunk, pants folded on my knee.
You were on there, doing your magical thing
creased, crumpled on my ding-a-ling.

I love you Crusty Sue,
my guilty pleasure.
You fit perfectly, made to measure.

Bad Teacher

Its driving my wild
Come now, shes just a child.
Shut up you, shes no virgin
no girl over 13 is free of sin.
Shes the type of girl to know,
I bet shes male popular on Bebo.

Her skirt rides up high,
showing off that perfect thigh.
Tasty and inviting like a chicken drumstick
leaving me with sticky fingers, I just want to lick.

I tried to resist her with all my might,
I thought it was just a fancy dress night
I didnt know it was real ,until I took her class.
I feel bad now for checking out her ass.
You called me sir,
I made you purr (amongst other things).
My forehead sweats and goes red,
as i think about what you get up too behind that bikeshed.

What am I looking for in a woman?

Im looking for a woman who can suck vaseline through a garden hose.

Geek?

I’m not a geek, well not a big geek, I just like comics.
But for some reason certain women find the idea of a geek really hot, so i was with a woman and we were getting flirty, me in my batman t-shirt, I dunno what that’s doing to her it must be turning her on or something, she nearly slipped her seat, so I go, ‘do you want to come back to my place? I’ve got loads of superman novels’
‘mmmmmmm’ she goes,
I whisper in her ear, ‘and there all in issue order’ wham.
That’s it, shes dragging me home to mine!
‘ooo I’ve been naughty come spank my comics’